So, part of the reason for my blog’s name Killing Time Until Dinner is because I am obsessed with food. I think about it all the time. Dinner is one of my favorite parts of the day. It seems that most of my life is spent killing time until it’s time to eat again. This is a problem. I am overweight. I need to lose around 60lbs. How can I do that when all I ever want to do is eat?
The other night, the subject of my weight was brought up with my boyfriend. He loves me as I am, but he can’t deny that he would like me to lose some weight. Sex would be better. I would look better. Most importantly, I would be happier and healthier. My weight has gotten to the point where it’s affecting my health. My asthma acts up. My joints hurt all the time. My clothes don’t fit.
When we were talking about it last night, I told him I didn’t ever want to diet again. Dieting makes me crazy. Counting calories, especially, makes me crazy. It makes me obsess even more about food. When’s my next meal? How small will it be? I need to make it as small as possible so I can eat more later. Etc, etc…
He said that he wants me to try. He knows I’m unhealthy and unhappy in my body. I just kept repeating, I don’t want to diet again, I can’t diet again. But he kept pressing it, and I ended up crying. I cried because dieting is so painful to me, but I know I need to lose weight. I don’t want my knees to hurt when I go up and down stairs. I don’t want to have to buy new jeans because the ones I have don’t fit anymore. I don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore.
He brought up the fact that my diets always fail because I try to jump right in and do too much at once. I try to reduce my calories from upwards of 2500 a day to 1400. That’s a huge jump. It’s too huge. It makes me miserable. So he suggested that I try taking smaller steps. Slowly reduce my portions. Stop religiously counting calories, at least at first. Eat slower so that you actually have time to stop eating before you get full.
I’ve decided to try it. I’ve never really taken it slow before. It’s going to be difficult. I want to jump right in so that it can be over with faster, but I know it’s not going to work that way. If I try to change too much too fast, I will fail. Losing weight has to be a lifestyle change. I have to learn new habits. I have to learn how to make myself happy without food. It’s a very daunting task, but I’m going to take it slow. I’m going to start with eating slower and reducing portions. Then I will start slowly reducing my calories. I just don’t believe I can lose weight without counting calories.
I’m writing this article in part to show others that they’re not alone. Plenty of people go crazy by dieting, and plenty of people are obsessed with food. But you don’t have to go on living this way. I can change and so can you. I’m also writing this article in hopes that it will give me some accountability. I will try to keep up with my struggles as a way to vent. I keep a journal already, but this will be a secondary source of venting for me. And maybe if I succeed, it will give someone else hope that they can too.
I’m a little afraid to put myself out there, documenting my feelings and my struggles with an embarrassing and personal problem. I’m a very private person. I just feel the need to get this out there.